It's All My Fault
by SquirlK
Summary: This is my version of the events immediately after the Gift. I know done to death. Who helps Spike when he doesn't deal with what happened?


It's All My Fault  
  
Disclaimer: I don't even own pocket lint much less any of these wonderful people.  
  
A/N: This was meant to be a short one shot. These people just wouldn't shut up. You know how you get this story in your head and it just won't go away until you write it down? This is one of those.  
  
Summary: Set immediately after the gift. (Yes, I know it's been done to death, see note above.) This is my version of what happened. I always wondered how Spike could be so broken up at the site of Buffy's death but okay so soon after.  
  
Feedback: If you feel the need go ahead but remember this is my first time. Constructive criticism is fine but please no flames, I don't want to be dust. If you don't like it say so but no yelling, sensitive hearing you know.

Time seemed to slow down as the group surrounded their fallen heroine. Rupert Giles stared in disbelief at his slayer, lying amid the rubble at the base of the rickety tower. He felt tears in his eyes and squeezed them shut to keep from letting the wetness fall. He cleared his throat and glanced around at the Scooby gang. He drew a deep breath before speaking. "Xander, you need to take Anya and Tara to the hospital." Turning slowly, he addressed the young people gazing in shock at Buffy's still body. "Willow!" He waited until he had the redhead's attention. 

"I need you to take Spike and Dawn back to the house."

"Shouldn't Dawnie go to the hospital?" Xander asked. "No, they would report the cuts to social services. We can't let them know that Buffy is dead. They will take Dawn away from us if that happens." The Watcher looked at all the Scoobies. "It's imperative no one knows about this. The town will be over run with the underworlds worst demons if it gets out."

Willow looked at Dawn. She was standing on the steps to the tower sobbing. Then the redhead looked at the vampire kneeling several feet away. The platinum blond had his hands covering his face. His entire body was shaking with the force of his grief. His face was bloodied and more blood was beginning to pool at his feet from the knife wound in his back. Willow looked at the Watcher.

He spoke again. "Willow, you need to hurry. It will be daybreak soon. You need to get Spike into the basement. I need you to give both of them first aid. There is nothing you can do here. Xander, do you still have that cell phone?"

Xander nodded. "It's in my pocket. Tara, can you please get it? I don't want to move Anya any more than necessary." The blonde witch reached her good hand gingerly into Xander's pocket. His distress was so great he couldn't even quip about the action. He cradled his ex-demon fiancée in his arms gently. He couldn't believe she risked her life to save his. As Tara handed the small phone to Giles, Xander started slowly to the car they had parked nearby hours ago.

"Xander." The young man turned slightly. "Tell them that Tara tore the bandages from her hand in an attempt to save Anya from a fall down some stairs. And that you came upon them mere moments after the accident." Xander nodded, tears streaming down his face. Tara followed Xander and Anya to the car.

Willow still hadn't moved. Giles walked over to her. "Willow, I need you to take Dawn and Spike to the house now. We are going to need his help. I will take care of Buffy. Please go now." He said gently.

Willow's blue eyes swam in tears as she looked at him. "Giles, did you see? She jumped."

He nodded, "I know. The portal had to be closed. I suppose she thought it was the only way. I guess she was right." He looked at her. "You have to go now, please take care of Spike and Dawn. They need you."

She nodded. Going over to the still sobbing vampire, she knelt down to help him up. He was injured from his fall and had a hard time standing. He wiped his face with his hands as Willow tugged at his arm. "Come on Spike. We have to go. The sun will dust you if we don't get home."

"It would only be what I deserve." Spike muttered.

Willow looked at him strangely. They moved over to the grief stricken teenager and the three of them held each other up as they went to the house on Revello Drive. As soon as they were gone, Giles opened the small phone and made the phone call that he had prayed he would never have to make. He did not, however, call the Watchers Council. He wasn't sure at the time why he chose that course of action, but something told him not to notify them they needed a new slayer. Faith was still alive, so he felt justified in his decision.

By the end of the day, Buffy Summers the Vampire Slayer was buried beneath a tree in a secluded corner of the cemetery. There was no funeral home involved. Giles used some of his many shady contacts to obtain a casket and have the burial accomplished in complete secrecy.

The hospital emergency room doctors splinted and re-bandaged Tara's broken hand. Anya was admitted over night for observation for the many bruises and to make sure she hadn't suffered any head trauma. Tara was released. Xander wanted to stay with Anya. Tara waited with him until someone could come and get her. Giles came to check on them several hours later. Giles took her over to the girls' dorm room for some clothes and then to the Summers house.

Willow got the injured teen and vampire to the house just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. Spike went immediately to the basement to avoid the windows that no one had had time to cover. Dawn went to her room. She showered and changed from the ceremonial dress that Glory had made her wear.

Willow got the first aid kit and knocked on Dawn's door. "Come on Sweetie, we need to bandage those cuts." She said. Dawn moved silently to the bed and raised her shirt. The redheaded witch taped the three-inch cuts closed, thanking God that they weren't any deeper. She was happy the teen didn't need any stitches. Those would have been impossible to explain to the social worker. As soon as she was done she looked at Dawn. "Tara and I will be here for you. No one is taking you away. Giles will make sure of it."

Dawn looked at Willow with fresh tears in her blue eyes. "It was supposed to be me." She said.

"She loved you so much, she wanted you to live. She threatened anyone who even suggested harming you." Willow gave the girl some pain pills and tucked her into bed. She then took the first aid kit into the kitchen where she filled a bowl with warm water and found a washcloth. Then she went down the stairs to the basement. The blond vampire was sitting on the cot with his head resting on the cool cement wall. He had stripped off his duster and his black T-shirt. Willow sat next to him and gently tugged him forward so she could see the damage to his back. The wound was to one side and fairly deep. She was gratified to see his vampire healing had almost stopped the blood loss. She looked into his face. He was paler than usual. His eyes were closed and she noticed a tear trickling down his handsome face. Willow bent to her task and had his wound cleaned and bandaged in minutes. Easing him back against the wall once more, she gently began to wash the blood from his face. "Spike." She said.

He looked at her. His normally bright blue eyes were dull with grief. "Yeah?"

"We don't have any blood, but since Giles sent us here instead of his house or your crypt, I think he'll remember to get you some."

He closed his eyes again. "I'm not hungry, Red. Don't think I ever will be again." He said softly. "Was my fault you know."

Willow was horrified. "Oh, Spike no! It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened."

He nodded. "If I had stopped Doc, he wouldn't have cut Dawn and the portal wouldn't have opened." More tears fell silently. "It's all my fault B- buffy's dead."

Willow shook her head. "Spike, he stabbed you. There wasn't anything you could have done. Do you have any broken bones? They need to be set quickly if you do."

The vampire shook his head. "Just a few ribs. Mostly bruised up. Gonna be stiff and sore tomorrow. Please, can I be alone now?"

Willow sat tensely in the living room waiting for Giles to come. He and Tara came in a few hours later. Tara rushed over to Willow and the wiccas clung to each other.

"Tara, baby, are you okay?'

"Yes, fine. How are you?" Tara caressed Willow's cheek as they sat down on the sofa.

"I'm not injured, but it hurts so much." The redhead fought back the tears that threatened.

Giles cleared his throat. "Willow" he said gently. "How are Spike and Dawn? How badly was Dawn injured?"

Willow looked up at the Watcher. "Dawn just had two cuts on her sides. They bled a bit but they weren't deep. She took a shower and I bandaged her. She took some pain pills and went to sleep. Spike is pretty banged up. He said he has a few broken ribs and a lot of bruises. He's going to need some blood to help his vampire healing. He said he wasn't hungry. That he didn't think he ever would be again. He said it was his fault."

Giles was stunned. "What? Why would he think that? He fought as hard, if not harder, as the rest of us to stop Glory. He suffered unspeakable torture to keep Dawn's identity secret. I may not like him but I respect him for that. Dawn loves him and needs him." He removed his glasses and cleaned them in agitation. He began pacing in the small living room.   
  
"He said he should have been able to stop that horrid little man. He's just so sad. I never saw a vampire cry." Willow said.

"Vampires don't normally cry. Spike is not a normal vampire." Giles reminded her. "I'm beginning to believe that Spike truly loves Buffy. Right or wrong we need him. I'll go check on him." Giles went thru the kitchen and opened the basement door. He descended the stairs and looked at the vampire lying on the cot.

Without opening his eyes the vampire spoke. "What do you want Rupert?" His voice was dull, lifeless with out the sarcasm he normally spoke with.

"Spike, I wanted to see how you are." The Watcher approached the master vampire cautiously.

"Bloody wonderful, should have been me. I should have stopped the little wanker from hurting Niblet. Instead I let him throw me from the tower like some ponce. I don't deserve to be here. You should have left me out in the sun. I broke my promise." Spike opened his eyes and looked at Giles.

"Spike, I couldn't leave you in the sun. Dawn needs you, we need you."

"Bollocks. No one needs me. I'm bloody useless. Can't hunt, can't feed, can't protect anyone. Go away. As soon as the sun sets I'm going back to my crypt." Spike closed his eyes and turned his face to the wall. 'If I even wait that long to leave.' He thought.

Feeling oddly dismissed, Giles went back upstairs to join the witches.

"Giles, how is he?" Willow asked. "He says he's leaving as soon as the sun sets." He replied.

"NO!!" The cry came from the stairs. "He can't go, don't let him. I want him here. Giles, please don't make him leave." Dawn came down the stairs slowly. She was crying again. Her slender body shook with sobs. As one the three adults moved over to the teen. Giles reached her first and put a supporting arm around her waist. He helped her over to the sofa. "I have no intention of letting Spike go anywhere. I know you want him here. I told him that. We'll make him stay. I promise you." Giles soothed the girl. His words reminded him of something Spike said. (I broke my promise.) The Watcher wondered what that meant. What was the promise and to whom was it made?

Anya was released from the hospital the next day. She and Xander went over the Summers house right away. Anya was not pleased, especially when they stopped for donuts. She wanted Xander to take her home and fuss over her. He was worried about the rest of the Scoobies. 

Giles met them at the door. He had slept on the sofa. Tara and Willow had showered and changed into clean clothes. They spent the night in Joyce's old room. Giles had ordered pizza for dinner the night before but no one ate much. He had also gone out for blood for Spike but the vampire refused it. All in all, it was turning into a very trying time for the Watcher. Later, he promised himself, he would make time to grieve. There was that word again, promise. He would have to find out what Spike meant. It could be the key to getting a recovery for the grieving vampire.

Willow and Tara were sitting on the sofa in much the same places of the night before. Dawn had yet to come down. Xander went over and gave Willow a hug. He looked at Tara.

"How are you? Hand hurt too much?"

"No, not too much. I'm okay." The shy witch answered.

"I figured no one would be up to cooking so I got donuts. Ahn, honey, sit down. I'll take that to the kitchen." He helped her sit in an easy chair and took the donut box from her before going into the kitchen.

Giles followed him. Xander turned to the Watcher. "How is Dawnie? Is Dead-boy Jr still in the basement?"

"Dawn will be fine in time. Spike is still in the basement. He was going to leave last night but Dawn got hysterical and I talked him into staying." Giles moved around the kitchen as he spoke. He emptied a package of blood into a mug and put it into the microwave.

Xander looked revolted. "G-man, WHAT are you DOING?"

Giles removed his glasses and cleaned them. Replacing them on his face, he said, "Spike needs to eat. He refused last night. I'm hoping to get his instincts to come forward now, while he is in what is to him the middle of his sleeping time and make it easier to get some blood into him. In his weakened state he is not healing as fast as he should. Dawn needs him. She trusts him and wants him here with her. I don't have to like it. Right now what Dawn wants is what's important. When things settle down to something resembling normal we'll have him leave."

Xander looked at the floor and shook his head. "It goes against my religion to help a vampire."

"That vampire was injured trying to protect Dawn. He suffered horribly at the hands of Glory, also to protect Dawn. We owe it to Dawn and to Buffy to help him now." Giles took the blood out of the microwave as he spoke. "Come with me. I want your opinion." Th

e two men walked quietly down the stairs. Spike was lying on the cot with his arm thrown across his eyes. His other arm was resting across his bare stomach, unconsciously holding his broken ribs.

He spoke without moving. "Rupert, I'm not hungry. Xander, I don't want you here." His voice was soft, dull and lifeless. His accent was more precise than usual, unknowingly letting Giles know he grew up in a more posh part of London than his normal speech indicated. "Tell Niblet I'm staying but I don't want anyone bothering me. Just tell me if Niblet is all right then I can go back to sleep."

"Dawn will be fine. You have to eat. You need to heal." Xander said.

"I. Do. Not. Need. To. Do. Anything. I. Do. Not. Have. To. Do. Anything. Go. Away." Each word was punctuated. His voice was still dull and lifeless but the tension was beginning to come thru.

Giles carried a small metal table over and placed it next to the cot. He put the mug on it hoping the scent would tempt Spike. He then motioned to Xander and they went back upstairs. Just before the door closed they heard the sound of the mug crashing against the wall.

"Man, that was weird. He called me Xander. He never calls me by name." The younger man shook his head. He looked at Giles. "Is he, I can't believe I'm saying this, grieving?"

Giles nodded. "I do believe he is." He said quietly.

Willow came into the kitchen in search of a donut. "What was that crash?" she asked.

"Spike threw his breakfast against the wall." Xander told her.

"Oh no, he needs to eat. I'll go down and talk to him." She started toward the basement door.

Giles stopped her. "No, leave him for now. He's at the end of his rope. Frankly, I'm not sure what to do for him."

Xander looked at Willow. "He called me 'Xander'." He said.

Willow's eyes widened. "That's so not good."

Since taking the donuts into the kitchen was Xander's way of talking to Giles alone, he turned right around and took them back to the living room. He felt the injured girls shouldn't have to get up for nourishment, even if it was donuts. Dawn was downstairs talking quietly to Tara and Anya. Xander placed the donut box on the coffee table in front of Dawn. He knelt on one knee in front of the teen.

"Dawnie, how are you?" he asked gently.

Dawn threw her thin arms around Xander's shoulders. "I'll be fine I guess. I don't want to be alone."

"You don't have to be. You have all of us. We'll take care of you." Xander assured her.

Giles walked closer to the young people. "Dawn, I have a question." Dawn looked up as she sat back. "Do you know what Spike means when he says 'I broke my promise'?"

"He said that?" She asked. Giles nodded. "I don't know. I remember him fighting with Doc. Doc asked Spike why he cared, that he, Doc, didn't smell a soul on him. Spike said that he'd made a promise to a lady. But I don't know what the promise was or how he broke it." She looked up pleadingly. "Is he going to be okay?"

"I don't know." Giles said, unwilling to lie to the girl.  
  
The day passed quietly. Xander took Anya home so she could rest. He told Giles to call if they needed anything, even if it was for Spike. Dawn, Willow and Tara went up to the master bedroom and snuggled into the king size bed to watch television.

Giles went home to shower and change. While in the shower he found himself leaning against the wall sobbing uncontrollably. Buffy was the closest thing he had to a daughter and her loss devastated him. After a while he noticed the water was freezing so he pulled himself together and got out. He dressed and went downstairs to check his answering machine for messages. There was one letting him know that all of the arrangements for Buffy had been taken care of. They could hold a graveside memorial tomorrow if they wanted. He was pretty sure they wanted. He thought they should hold it at sunset then maybe Spike would attend. Before leaving, he realized he needed to call Angel. As much as he personally hated the master vampire, Buffy had loved him and he needed to be told.

"Angel."

Just the one word struck fear into the ensouled vampire. "Rupert, what is it? Is Buffy okay?"

"No, actually, she's not." Giles said sadly. "Buffy died the night before last stopping a hell-god named Glory. She sacrificed her life to save Dawn and the world. She's already been buried and we're having a memorial at the grave tomorrow at sunset. You are welcome if you want to be there." The line was silent. After a moment Giles heard the phone change hands.

"Hello?" A familiar British voice asked.

"Wesley, is that you?" Giles asked. "Yes, it's me. I gather that something fatal happened to Buffy. Angel is on the floor sobbing. Cordelia is trying to console him." Wesley said quietly.

Giles repeated what he'd told Angel. "There's something else. It's Spike."

"Spike?" Wesley repeated. The phone changed hands again.

"What has he done now?" Angel growled.

"He hasn't done anything wrong. He's closing himself off from everyone. He won't eat and has stated the we should have let him dust in the sun." Giles said.

"You should have let him." Was the vicious response.

"No, Dawn wants him there with her. They're very close. He was injured more than once protecting her. No matter what anyone else feels about Spike, the fact of the matter is he is staying with Dawn. What we need to know now, is how do we get him to eat?" Giles told Angel fiercely.

"Damn, that's always been a problem with Spike. He never lost his emotions. He buried them for a long time while he was with the rest of us. But he loved Dru with all his unbeating heart and I'm not surprised he's gotten close to Dawn. They're a lot alike, he and Dawn." The anger was gone from Angel's voice. "If Dawn is still alive why is he ... no, don't tell me he fell in love with Buffy."

"That seems to be the case unfortunately." Giles confirmed. "Xander told me that you, not Drusilla, was Spike's sire. Is that true?"

"Yes, after I got cursed he started telling everyone Dru sired him. He slipped in front of Xander that night at the school. You remember parent teacher night?" Angel sighed sadly. "Right after the curse, he said he was embarrassed to be seen with me and my soul but the irony is that he never quite lost his."

Giles was stunned. "What do you mean? He never quite lost his soul?"

"Technically he doesn't have a soul. But he retained more of his humanity than normal vampires. Dru fed from him but didn't turn him completely. She brought him home to me and I had to finish the job and became his sire. Since she fed from him but he fed from me the time lapse seemed to have allowed him to keep a large portion of his humanity. He hid it for over a century. He buried it under a layer of violence so deep I thought he smothered it. Apparently the chip in his head stopped the violence and allowed the humanity to come out again. But, if you were to ask him, he's a soulless unfeeling demon. At least that's what he would have said before the chip. Souls are for 'poofters'." Angel sighed again. "We need to get ready to leave. I'm bringing Cordy and Wes with me. As Spike's sire, I'll do what I can, for Dawn's sake."

"You've been tremendously helpful. Now if we can just figure out what promise he made and how he feels he broke it, we can help him deal with Buffy's death." Giles told Angel.

"He made a promise?" Angel asked. "That could be a problem, he always keeps his promises. If he feels he broke one he doesn't deal well."

"He's said that it's all his fault, that he's useless and broke his promise. We just need to find out what the promise was." Giles rubbed his forehead. "Go and get prepared to leave. It will be dark soon so you can travel. All of you can stay at my house. I'm staying with the girls so I can help with Spike."

"Thanks for calling Rupert. We'll be there soon. We'll meet you at Dawn's house. That way I can get your house key." Angel hung up and turned into Cordy's arms.

Giles also hung up relieved that the task was over. He packed a small bag and went back to the Summers house. It was just beginning to get dark when he got back. Tara and Willow were in the living room talking quietly. Dawn was taking a nap. The two witches had started dinner by putting a simple casserole into the oven. Giles greeted them and had just sat down in the armchair when a cry sounded from downstairs. It was a non-verbal sound full of anguish and despair.

"Stay here. That's Spike. If there are too many of us I don't know how he'll react." Giles quickly got up and ran to the basement. He was shocked to discover the vampire sitting up on his cot with his arms wrapped around his legs rocking back and forth. His head was resting on his knees and his face was turned to the wall. He didn't make a sound. Just rocked. Giles slowly approached him. Tentatively he placed a hand on Spike's cool bare back. The rocking stopped but otherwise there was no reaction.

"Spike" He said softly. No answer. "Spike, we heard you yell. Are you all right?" Still no answer. Totally unnerved, Giles slowly backed away, removing his hand. The rocking resumed. "I'll get you something to eat." Turning, he went back upstairs.

In the kitchen, Tara, Willow and Dawn greeted him with wide eyes. He went to the refrigerator and removed a package of blood. He emptied it into a plastic mug and set it in the microwave. He hung his head for a moment before turning to face the females staring at his back. Taking a deep breath, he removed his glasses and cleaned them. "He's not responding anymore. He's closed off."

Dawn stared at the Watcher. "I want to see him."

"Just for a moment. Don't startle him." Giles nodded.

All three girls crept down the stairs but only part way. The sight of the vampire rocking on his cot sent them back up quickly.

"What's wrong with him?" Willow asked.

"My best guess is that he's deeply mourning. I called Angel while I was at home and he, along with Wesley and Cordelia, will be here later tonight. I told him about Spike and he's going to try to help. As Spike's sire, he should be able to pull Spike out of this." Giles removed the mug from the microwave.

Tara asked, "Shouldn't you wait until Angel gets here before you try to get Spike to eat?"

Giles looked at the mug in his hand. "Quite right. I should have thought of that. Angel will deal with this better than I can." He put the mug in the refrigerator.

Willow checked the casserole. "But we can eat. Xander and Anya should be here soon. I made enough for all of us and called them to come over."

Anya came thru the kitchen door. "We're here. No one answered the door."

Xander was behind her. "Something smells good." He said.

Dawn walked over to Xander for her hug. And then got the plates and silver ware to set the table.

Xander went over to Giles. "How's Dead-boy Jr?"

"Worse, go and see." The Watcher answered. Xander came back seconds later. "Oh my God. What are we going to do?"

"Wait for Angel." Willow answered from next to the stove. She placed the casserole on the stovetop and turned around. "He, Wesley and Cordelia will be here tonight."

Giles nodded. As Dawn returned to the kitchen, he looked at all the young people in front of him. "We can have a memorial service at Buffy's grave tomorrow at sunset. While Angel is here, he's going to help us with Spike. He may be able to pull Spike out of this. As Spike sire, he holds more influence than any of the rest of us with the possible exception of Dawn."

"Wait, I thought Drusilla was Spike's sire?" Willow looked puzzled.

"Drusilla never finished turning Spike. She left it to Angel. The time that lapsed between Drusilla feeding from Spike and Spike feeding from Angel apparently allowed Spike to retain a large portion of his humanity. He kept all of his emotions. By the time Angel got his soul, Spike had buried his humanity so far beneath all the violence that Angel thought he'd lost it." Giles cleared his throat. "I don't know if he can hear us talking about him. I suggest we adjourn to the dining room and eat."

Down in the basement, the object of their concern had stopped rocking long enough to listen. 'So the great poofter himself was coming to help.' He thought. 'Not gonna do any good. No one can help. No one needs a bloody useless monster.' He remembered his dream. He could see himself running up the stairs, throwing the little demon off the platform and rescuing Dawn. Buffy hugging and kissing him in gratitude. Then he had woken up and remembered the truth, remembered his failure. He closed his eyes and saw her broken body lying in the rubble and dirt. He forced his mind clear and began to rock. If he kept his mind blank and dark, it didn't hurt. He didn't want to hurt, didn't want to remember. Blank was good. Dark was good. Remembering was bad. The pain in his body was nothing compared to the pain caused by remembering.

Dinner was a quiet activity. No one felt much like talking. Dawn just picked at her food, occasionally taking a bite but mostly pushing it around her plate with her fork.

Giles set his plate aside. "Dawn." She looked up at him. "I'm going to call the school and tell them I am your temporary guardian. I had the papers prepared yesterday while I was arranging for Buffy's burial. They aren't exactly legal but no one will dare question them. Willow and Tara, I think the two of you should move in here with Dawn. We are going to say that Buffy is out of town on business. Before I left the tower, I collected the Buffy-bot and took it back to the magic shop. I want Willow to fix it so the demon population will think the slayer is still alive." They all looked pained by this announcement. "I know. I'm repulsed by the idea as well but right now there are only ten people in the world who know Buffy is dead. I want to keep it that way."

Willow looked down at her plate. A germ of an idea was taking root and growing.  
  
At that moment, in a car speeding toward Sunnydale, Cordelia let out a cry of pain. She fell backward on her seat, hand to her head. She gasped for breath as the vision faded. Wesley sat forward from the back seat as Angel stopped the car.

Angel turned to the seer. "Cordy, are you okay?" he asked.

"Just swell. Major headache as usual." She sniped.

Wesley patted her shoulder. "What did you see?"

She frowned. "It wasn't so much a vision as a message. I didn't see much. What I did see didn't make sense. As if that's new."

Angel also frowned. "What was the message?"

She looked at Angel. "You have to tell him, he hasn't broken his promise yet."

Angel nodded. "Rupert mentioned a promise. Spike thinks he broke it. He always keeps his promises. It devastates him when he doesn't."

She looked at Angel again. "You have to tell Spike he has to get thru this. He has to be okay."

Wesley nodded. "We know that. Dawn needs him."

Cordelia shook her head. "No, he has to be okay for Buffy."

"That doesn't make sense." The former watcher mused. "Buffy's dead. How can she need him to be okay?"

The seer stared soberly at her companions. "That was the other part of the message. We all, he and we, have to wait. And when the time comes, we all have to be strong."

Angel put the car back into gear and they resumed their journey in silence.  
  
The Scooby gang had finished dinner and washed the dishes long before Angel and his companions arrived. At around midnight, they were back in the living room pretending to watch TV when the knock sounded on the door. Xander answered it, stepping back to let the trio in. Giles stood up to shake hands with Wesley as Cordelia went over to hug Dawn and the other girls.

Willow hugged Angel and looked at Wes and Cordy. "Are any of you hungry? We have lots of dinner left over. Angel, we have plenty of blood. Spike hasn't eaten any of what we got him."

Wesley nodded. "Something to eat would be very nice. Thank you."

"Girls, come and help me while Giles fills Angel and Wesley in on Spike." Willow motioned to Dawn, Tara, Anya and Cordelia. They all went to the kitchen to heat plates for the newcomers and blood for the dark vampire.

Angel, Wes, Xander and Giles sat down. "How is the biggest pain in my ass?" Angel asked.

Giles cleaned his glasses. "Not good." He said.

Xander agreed. "He's sitting on his bed rocking back and forth. Gotta tell you, man it really wigged me out."

"He's stopped speaking. There's no reaction, no sound, only rocking." Giles added.

"That's very strange behavior for a vampire." Wes observed.

"Not if you knew Spike." Angel informed them all. "He feels too deeply for a vampire. He doesn't have a conscience or a soul for that matter but he still feels. It's very complicated. He's never been a normal vampire. He still likes human food. He loves. He grieves. He cries. He cares. He's almost too human to be a proper vampire."

"How did he become William the Bloody?" Xander asked.

Angel laughed. "You mean William the Bloody Awful Poet?"

The other three gaped at him. "Before he was turned he had been rejected by the girl he was sweet on. He wrote the worst poetry in the history of the written word. The little twit didn't appreciate it. Her friends gave him that god-awful nickname." Angel shook his head. "Of course, he gave the nickname a whole new meaning after he was turned. He killed them all. Then he was just William the Bloody. He drove railroad spikes thru the heads of his worst tormentors and got a new name for himself."

"Spike." Giles finished for him.

Angel nodded. "After that he and Drusilla were almost inseparable. You all pretty much know the rest of the story. I taught him to be the worst, most evil vampire this side of Angelus. He buried his humanity because that's the way Angelus wanted it." He looked down. "I'm not proud of that. We, Dru and I, took a sweet, sensitive man and turned him into an evil killing monster. When I got cursed it was as if he felt I was flaunting it. He found me too uncomfortable to be around. I guess I reminded him too much of what he used to be. A lot of hatred developed. I suppose he felt betrayed. I taught him to be evil then I turned away from that evil. Anyway, as I was telling Rupert, the chip seems to have reversed the whole thing allowing the real Spike to come out."

The girls came back from the kitchen as Angel finished his story.

"Everything is on the dining table." Willow said.

They all moved into the dining room. Wes and Cordelia enjoyed their reheated casserole while Angel drank his warm mug of blood. They all caught up on each other's lives, avoiding the most painful subject, Buffy.

After the dishes were done again, Anya and Xander said their goodnights and went home. Dawn, Tara, Willow and Cordelia went into the living room so Wesley, Angel and Giles could concentrate on Spike. I

n the kitchen, Giles, aware of Spike's vampire hearing, quietly related all the events leading up to and including the fateful night to Angel and Wesley. Then he told them everything Spike had said and done since then. He had just finished his recitation when another cry came from the basement. It was the same as before, non-verbal and full of anguish and despair. Wesley looked at Giles wide-eyed.

Giles nodded. "That's Spike."

Angel looked up from the mug of blood he was heating for the other vampire. He reached out mentally, trying to follow the little used Sire-Childe link. What he felt coming from his Childe made him wince. So much pain. Not physical pain but mental and emotional pain. Strong enough to destroy a weaker being. Almost strong enough to destroy a vampire.

In the basement, Spike mentally cursed himself for falling asleep. Sleeping was quickly becoming something to be avoided. While sleeping he dreamed. In his dreams he saved Buffy. Waking up, he couldn't stop the cry from escaping his lips. Now someone will come down. He didn't want that but now it couldn't be avoided. If he didn't look, didn't speak, whoever it was would leave again. He wanted to be alone. Alone was good.

Angel took the mug from the microwave and went to the basement. He descended the stairs slowly. He was fully aware that his Childe knew he was there. The sight of the younger vampire was painful. Spike was still rocking, his arms wrapped even more tightly around his legs. There was vulnerability in the curve of his bare back. He had taken off his boots and socks at some point so the only thing he was wearing were his black jeans. The white bandage on his side was almost invisible he was so pale. His platinum blond hair was mussed. If he had been aware, he would have been horrified to know his curls were escaping the gel he used to tame them.

Angel crossed the room and put the mug on the small table there. He knelt down beside the younger vampire. Placing a hand on the cool bare back, he spoke.

"William." The rocking stopped at his Sire's touch. "William, talk to me." Angel's tone was one of command, a Sire commanding his Childe to obey him.

"Nothing to say." Was the muffled response.

"Look at me." Angel commanded and waited. Long moments later the white-blond head lifted. Angel had to concentrate to keep the shock from his face.

"Oh Will." He whispered. The pale face looking at him was bruised and scraped. He was so thin his cheekbones were sharper than ever. His eyes had dark circles around them. Angel could see the stark misery in the deep blue eyes.

"Tell me." Angel again commanded.

"It was my fault." The words were whispered.

"According to Giles, you did everything possible to save Dawn. No one could have known what was going to happen." Angel tried to sooth his Childe.

"I broke my promise." Total despair dripped from each word.

"What promise Will?" The Sire asked softly, almost gently.

Spike dropped his face back to his knees. "Promised Buffy I'd protect Niblet. I let that little wanker throw me from that tower. He hurt her. Buffy had to save her. I broke my promise."

Only Angel's vampire hearing let him understand the muffled words. Angel sat on the cot in front of Spike and ran a hand thru the unruly blond curls. "William, listen to me. Dawnie is safe. You protected her the best you could. You were weakened by the beating Glory gave you and you'd been stabbed but you kept Dawn alive. You distracted Doc and gave Buffy time to defeat Glory so she could get up there. Yes, Dawn was hurt but not as bad as she would have been if you hadn't been there. She still needs you to protect her. Cordy had a vision while we were on the way. She said I was to tell you that you haven't broken your promise yet. She said that you have to be strong. That you have to be okay, for Buffy."

The blond head shook back and forth and the thin body trembled. "Buffy's dead." The two words were full of heartache.

"I know. That's the part of her vision we can't figure out. Cordy said that we have to wait and when the time comes we have to all be strong. That you have to be okay. For Buffy." Angel told Spike urgently.

He caught the younger vampire in his arms as the tears began to fall. He held his Childe against his chest. They sat like that for a long while, the dark head bent over the blond one. Angel felt the pain in his Childe ease as the tears soaked his shirt. Spike pulled way as the tears slowed. Wiping his face with his hands, he took a deep unneeded breath. He looked down, unwilling to face his Sire. Angel lifted Spike's face with a finger under his chin.

"Now, you have to heal. You have to be strong for Dawn. She needs you." Angel lifted the mug. "You need to eat."

Spike turned his head away from the smell. "Don't want to."

Angel almost smiled at the childish tone. "Rupert said you haven't fed since before the fight with Glory. You look it." He had a thought. Offering his wrist, he asked, "Do you want this instead?"

That got a reaction. "You must be desperate, Peaches."

Angel smiled, there's the Spike he knew and loathed. "No, not me. All those people upstairs that are scared to death they're going to loose you too."

The blond head started to shake vehemently. "They don't care about me."

"Most of them do. I don't think any of them can take another loss, especially Dawn. What would it do to her if you dusted?" He vamped his face and used his fangs to open his wrist. The blood welled and the scent was more than Spike could bear. His face vamped as well and he took the nourishment that was offered. Spike was going to be all right, Angel knew. They all would be, eventually. Angel drank the blood in the mug to replace what his Childe was taking and he knew he would need more as soon as Spike was finished. But for now, it was enough.  
  
Finis  
  
A/N: I never watched Angel much, just the last season, so if I wrote him too far off the mark please forgive me, it had to fit the story. It just felt right, know what I mean?


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